If I Saw You In Heaven
by syko4bosco aka A. Lalad
Summary: A Scully-Cancer-Song Fic


If I Saw You In Heaven  
By: Awesomo Fox aka A. Lalad  
Category: SA   
Rating: PG-13  
Keywords: Character Death, M/S UST  
Spoilers:   
Summary: A Scully-Cancer-Song Fic  
Disclaimer: I do not believe that the characters of the best   
television show in the world-"The X-Files" are mine. I  
am not THAT delusional. I know that they were created  
by Chris Carter and owned by him and 10-13. I am just  
borrowing them. I'll do my best to return them unharmed,  
but with all the angst I write (NO FLAMES!!!!) it may be  
hard. My sincere apologies.  
Eric Clapton owns the song "Tears in Heaven". It is   
recommended you listen to the song at the end of the  
fic if possible.  
Special Thanks To: All of my closest pals/beta readers. You know  
who you are! Thanks guys! Couldn't have done it   
without you!  
Note: Awesomo is pronounced (and I say this only because it is  
so frequently mispronounced) *** Awe-SO-moe ***  
Lalad is ***LAA-Lid***  
Feedback: muldersdoctor@cheerful.com  
  
#######  
Become Part of the Fox's Boxers and Socks Academy Today!  
  
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~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
For the last two months of her life, Fox Mulder was with  
Dana Scully everyday.  
  
Everyday he sat beside her bed, and every night he slept there, too.  
  
He hardly went home, only when Mrs. Scully made him,  
and only for the minimal amount of time, to shower,  
pull on some new clothes, and eat, if he could.  
  
It pained him to go to the hospital and see her in the   
state she was in; so pale and fragile, so thin and sick,  
but he did. He would not let their time together slip  
away, like she was slipping away. He couldn't.   
  
And the guilt of it all hurt him too. How could he look  
her in the eyes and know that he was the reason that she  
had contracted this horrible plague? She was ultimately  
going to die for him. It was so unfair.   
  
The doctors had told Scully's family and Mulder the horrid  
prognosis in November. There was nothing more they could do.  
The cancer had taken over. She only had so much time left.  
  
At first Mulder refused to accept it; refused to believe that  
the one tether that held him to the rest of the world was going  
to break.   
  
Scully can't die. Mulder thought, stating it to himself   
over and over at night when he would not fall asleep.  
  
But slowly, in the back of his mind, Mulder began to realize  
that Scully was only getting worse. And although he tried  
to fight off the grim understanding that threatened his   
hope, it did not work, and soon he came to terms with the   
inevitable.   
  
Scully, the one person in his life who had ever REALLY made  
a GOOD lasting difference, was going to be leaving him soon.  
  
And he felt cold and empty inside because of it.  
  
But Mulder learned to cherish the time they had together,   
putting on a happier attitude so she would not feel grim,  
making jokes to make her laugh.  
  
When Scully didn't have any visitors, she and Mulder would  
talk for hours about things that they had never told   
anyone before. Stupid little things that happened to them  
as kids, to their deepest sorrows and pains in life; the  
people they wished they could see now and confessions of all  
sorts.  
  
Including their love for each other.  
  
She must've know it was on his mind, and he could so clearly  
remember the day that she took his big, seemingly bulky hand in her  
thin, fragile one, and said the words he thought she had never   
felt toward him.  
  
"I LOVE you, Mulder." she said in a teary whisper.  
  
His eyes looked up from the bed where they were focused, to her  
eyes.  
  
"I love you too, Scully." he replied back, bringing her  
hand up to his mouth and kissing it as gently as possible.  
  
She pulled him up to hug her, and that led to a kiss.  
  
Such a careful, but meaningful embrace, that meant so  
much to Mulder, and was embedded forever in his mind.  
  
Mulder wouldn't have left Scully alone for those last few  
months if the fate of the entire human population depended on   
it.  
  
He wished he could be with her until the end of eternity,  
but their time came up short.  
  
Mulder held Scully's as she faded from her body that  
fateful day in January, and he kissed her hand and smoothed  
her hair away from her face, so it lay like a halo above  
her.   
  
He knew that she hadn't felt pain as she died, and she had  
told him to take care of himself and to not worry about her.  
  
"I'll be ok." she said. "I'm going to a better place, and   
before you know it, we can be together."  
  
She was strong, but he cried, and he told her how much he   
would miss her, how he couldn't live without her. How much  
he wished he could go with her.  
  
"Mulder," she said, taking his face in her hands. "You can't  
join me until it's your time. But when it is, then we can  
have the rest of eternity together to just be with each other.  
  
"I should be the one there now." Mulder said, motioning to the  
bed where she lay, through the tears.  
  
"You never asked for this. You don't deserve this. You should  
be able to live the rest of your life and get married and have  
kids and..."  
  
"No Mulder." Scully said. "I wouldn't take back ANY of the   
time we got to spend together for the world. Never. But now  
you have to be strong, and when I'm gone, think of all the   
good times we had together. Because if you think of the  
good times, Mulder, I'll always be with you."  
  
But now she was gone, and even all the reassurance in the  
world couldn't comfort Mulder.   
  
And how appropriate it is, Mulder thought, looking at her  
hair that looked so much like a copper halo, holding back   
the tears with the most effort he could. Now you are   
truly an angel He kissed her one more time on the   
forehead, and prayed to God that she was ok in Heaven.  
  
He could feel his heart dying in his chest. His soul had  
already gone with Scully.  
  
He was cold and empty now. Truly empty; just a shell of   
a being that had no purpose in life now.  
  
He was drowning in his mind; his lifeboat had just sunk.  
  
With all his might, he walked out into the hall where Mrs.  
Scully and her sons were waiting. It only took one look  
and they knew.   
  
Mrs. Scully started crying, and her boys-also hiding their  
grief, as Mulder tried to-led her into the room to say   
goodbye to her last daughter.  
  
They had understood Mulder's need to be with Scully in the   
last hours, but it was their turn now.  
  
And when Mulder thought he would die from heartache, his   
legs buckled and fell to his knees, sobbing in the hallway of   
the hospital, unaware of those around him.  
  
Everything that ever mattered in life was nothing now,   
because-in a way-with Dana Scully, Fox Mulder died also.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~   
  
The wake was like a terrible, surreal nightmare to Mulder,  
but much more painful than anything he had ever dreamed.  
  
This was real.  
  
It was hard, trying to stand there, collected in your emotions,  
and take all the sympathy people gave you.  
  
People who don't understand. Sympathy won't bring her back.   
Mulder thought spitefully, hating a world that had nothing to do   
with the present matter.  
  
Mrs. Scully had offered to let Mulder be part of planning the  
funeral, trying to make him feel like family in this most  
painful time for all of them. But it was a strange request  
and she knew it. Mulder declined.  
  
The wake went by in a daze for Mulder, and it was all the   
better that he was out of his head at the time.   
  
He remembered telling Mrs. Scully that he was going to stay  
a little longer at the end of the service, and he remembered   
her kissing him on the forehead and telling him to call her   
if he needed anything.  
  
Oh, how she reminded him of Scully. Mulder's heart twinged.  
  
How ironic, he thought in a half-daze. She lost her   
second child just 2 days ago and she is making sure *I'm*  
ok.  
  
And now he looked around, and he was alone. Alone with  
Scully.  
  
He closed the parlor doors, taking in the scene from the   
back of the room, gazing upon the casket that held her body.  
  
He bit his lip and slowly walked up to where she lay.  
  
He knelt down before her, and said a prayer-something he  
hadn't done since he was a child-then got up and kissed  
her lightly on the forehead, his tears falling on her   
cheeks and rolling down oh, so slowly.  
  
He gave her one last glance, drinking in the image of her  
for an eternity, almost like he was trying to give her the  
chance to open her eyes and get up.  
  
How he longed to hear "I'm fine Mulder" right now. He   
swallowed hard and closed the lid to the casket.  
  
He considered killing himself; right now the pain was almost  
doing the task for him, but Scully told him he should  
be strong, and should wait for his time.  
  
It was easier said than done.  
  
He looked down at the pure white lid, and watched as  
more tears fell on it from above. And as he realized  
the true meaning of what had just happened, he collapsed  
on the casket and cried like he never had before.  
  
Mulder gathered himself and walked outside. The weather was   
unusually bright for such a grim day, almost as if mother   
nature was mocking his grief.  
  
What if she wasn't ok? What if when he did get to   
wherever we go when we die-what if she forgot who he was?  
What if she had died inwardly hating him for this terrible  
thing that he had unwillingly done to her, and never told him?  
  
And he could have sworn then that he could hear her sweet voice-  
like rose petals and silk-whisper in his ear,  
  
"I'm fine, Mulder. I'm in a better place, and there's no pain,  
or suffering. I'm watching over you, and I love you."  
  
"I love you Scully!" Mulder said to the sky where he knew she  
was. "I love you!"  
  
And the wind wrapped around him like a strangely warm blanket,  
and he could smell her-smell Scully right there with him, as  
if she was really standing there.  
  
And although he couldn't prove it, he knew she was.  
Would you know my name  
If I saw you in Heaven?  
Would it be the same  
If I saw you in Heaven?  
I must be strong  
And carry on  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in Heaven  
  
Would you hold my hand  
If I saw you in Heaven?  
Would you help me stand  
If I saw you in Heaven?  
I'll find my way  
Through night and day  
Cause I know I just can't stay  
Here in Heaven  
  
Time can bring you down  
Time can bend your needs  
Time can break your heart  
Have you beg and plead  
  
Beyond the door  
There's peace I'm sure  
And I know there'll be no more  
Tears in Heaven  
  
Would you know my name  
If I saw you in Heaven?  
Would it be the same  
If I saw you in Heaven?  
I must be strong  
And carry on  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in Heaven  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in Heaven  
  
~Fini  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Dear Reader,  
Did you like it? This was the fastest I ever wrote a fic  
that turned out so well (I think). I downloaded the song, "Tears  
In Heaven" by Eric Clapton at audiofind.com. This is a good site  
if you have an MP3 player. Otherwise, the song can be found on   
the Eric Clapton Unplugged CD.  
I know that the Scully-Cancer thing has been done almost to   
death, and I know that we are almost 3 seasons beyond that, but   
I heard the song and the fic came to me. I had to write it.  
Also, to my brother and my anti-character-death friends  
(FLIPPER!!), SORRY! I can't help it!  
ThanX!  
Any (positive) feedback is GREATLY appreciated @  
muldersdoctor@cheerful.com  
  
"A writer is a person who has taught their mind to misbehave..."  
~Stephen King 


End file.
